A Big Brand Name-Heavy, Unpaid Product Placement Short Story
Wendy McDonald’s mind was high as a Prism Designs kite. She’d been relaxing after a long day, puffing on a STIIIZY Skywalker OG pre-roll, when she blasted off like Dave in the Star Gate sequence of “2001: A Space Odyssey.” But instead of psychedelic, slit-scan colors, a montage of Todoist to-do lists flooded her mind — forming a Unilever logo of longings and self-lashings.
“Oh no, not again,” she said as the Spirographic statements took over.
You look as shlumpy as an Uglydoll. Go to Target tomorrow, and get some Tom’s, Tide and Universal Thread shirts. Clean yourself up!
Why are you sitting around on your CB2 couch, sniffling and binge-watching Netflix? Log on to LinkedIn Learning or find YouTube tutorials to teach yourself new Canva tricks. Or you can forget advancing to the Instagram pantheon of unicorn influencers.
You’re wasting away. Better eat something today. Will it be CAVA, Tender Greens or Sweetfin?
The Whirlpool cycle continued for a while. Then Wendy’s mind went dark, as if all her Feit Electric ‘60 Watt’ Soft White Dimmable lightbulbs turned off simultaneously. Shards of thoughts appeared, hovered and faded away like a sped-up Spotify playlist transition.
You’re not enough. You’re no good at Life, not even the game. You’ll only ever work for the Chevrons and Chases of the world. Give up your Disney dreams and get back to your HP Pavilion oblivion.
Was the voice right? Who was even talking? Some twisted version of Duo(lingo)? Maybe it was her own, morphed into a Meta-verse monster, trolling her mind like an insistent series of soundbites. She sighed, feeling empty as a bag of Beanfield’s chips and heavy-hearted as a pair of Living.Fit dumbbells.
Maybe some social would help. iPhone in hand, Wendy scrolled through her favorite subreddits in search of a lifeline. But all she found, despite an abundance of amazingness and the occasional Samsung ad, was a deeper sense of senselessness. She switched tactics and tried to read “Atomic Habits,” but the Kindle words blurred and burned her crying eyes.
Wobbling off the couch, Wendy knew she had to find something to slow the critical Party City confetti. Drinks and snacks usually helped, so she headed for the IKEA-forward kitchen. There, she opened the stubborn Frigidaire fridge door and chugged a bottle of Fiji Water, enjoying the cooling sensation in her Otter Pops veins. Two KIND bars and a piece of Horizon Organic string cheese later, Wendy’s torment was ending. The echoes of melancholy drifted away as she listened to the stylings of Harry Styles on her Sony WH-1000XM4 wireless headphones. Finally some solace among the sea of logos and no-go notions.
