99 Bottles

Photo by Tim-Oliver Metz on Unsplash

If you’re having gut problems,
I feel bad for you, hon.
I got 99 bottles but a ‘bucha ain’t one.

Tried kombucha of old
and some booches anew.
Early to the game, draining GT’s Living Foods.
They were stocking the shelves
at Erewhon ’n’ Whole Foods,
so I took the opp to try it there
instead of homebrewed.
I was on it so fresh,
hoping to lift my mood,
based on label claims of healthy perks
and why not, dude?
I enjoy funky bevvies, so the option was fun.
I got 99 bottles but a ‘bucha ain’t one.

Like the other drink trends
overpacking a space,
there were just too many rival brands
right up in my face.
I couldn’t make up mind
because it’s not for the taste —
holy SCOBY there’s too many types!
Do they go to waste?
Rowdy Mermaid, Humm, Kevita, Kosmic, Wild and Health-Ade,
Holy, Forage, Trader Joe’s, Brew Dr…it’s a parade!
What did all these displace
when microbe drinks had it made?
Got no beef with the brew, although this tea’s overdone.
I got 99 bottles but a ‘bucha ain’t one — sip it!

If I’m looking for ways
to get my pro-bio fix,
there are other forms fermented
that I throw in the mix.
I’ll have gat-kimchi at lunch,
because I don’t mind its kicks.
Also yogurt, soy sauce, buttermilk
are some of my picks.
I wouldn’t mind more kefir
before the infernal Styx,
nor any pickled veg, like sauerkraut,
where CFU sticks.
Even tried pills and powders, but they aren’t as fun.
I got 99 bottles but a ‘bucha ain’t one.


Thank you, Jay-Z



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Miles Seiden

Miles Seiden


A (com)passionate creative and consultant for visionary organizations. Here to help unify a divided humanity and restore planetary harmony.